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Badvertising: A Game Day Drinking Guide
Badvertising: A Game Day Drinking Guide
Raise a glass to this year’s worst of the worst

It’s the big game. The moment you’ve waited for all year. Ad execs have put in the hard work—long hours logged in conference rooms, late nights pouring over scripts, nerve-wracking pitches, grueling video shoots—all for that perfect play during the Super Bowl.

This year, a 30-second spot costs a whopping $5 million, and brands are pulling out all the stops to produce commercials worthy of the ad spend. But for every Jeff Bridges’ sleeping tapes masterpiece, there’s bound to be an ad that leaves us all cringing.

No need to fret. We’ve got a remedy for even the worst ads: a drinking game to accompany bad game day commercials. So gather your friends, your chips and dip, your soft drink of choice, and let us guide your game day libations:

1. Woman eating food like she’s attracted to it — 1 drink
You think our burger is just a bun, a patty, and some toppings, but you’re wrong. This is one sexy burger. Now, there’s no need to take your girlfriend to a fancy French restaurant or listen to her jabber on about her day. Just hand her a takeout bag of this greasy goodness, and she’ll swoon.

2. Someone uses the phrase “selfie” or “hashtag” ironically — 1 shot
My BFF Jill said you’d laugh if we made fun of buzzwords. Crazy how the kids are talking these days. SMH.

3. ‘Merica — 2 drinks
Get a load of these amber waves of grain. Flags, farmland, and families. Our brand is basically a bald eagle soaring over the Statue of Liberty while eating an apple pie and playing baseball. That doesn’t even make sense, but don’t worry about it. We’re the U.S. of A., and we don’t have to apologize.

4. Global globalization across the globe — 1 shot
We’re not really saying anything, but we’re being very inclusive about it. Check out these multicultural friend groups. Here’s a shot of people laughing in an office. Schoolchildren. Families. A girl on a mountain. A guy on a farm. One shot from every continent should pretty much cover our bases.

5. Talking animals — 1 drink
What do woodland creatures have to do with our brand? We don’t know, but they sure are cute.

6. Man nonchalantly completes a series of incredible feats — 1 shot
It worked for Old Spice, right? Yeah, the ad’s been done a million times, and no, we don’t have Isaiah Mustafa. But come on, guys, this was our only concept that didn’t involve talking animals, and everybody knows those are overplayed.

7. Kim Kardashian — Time to shotgun
Kris Jenner promised Kim would help us break the Internet.

8. Doofus dad doesn’t know how to do things — 2 drinks
Silly dad. Responsibilities are for moms. Put the detergent down, and kick your feet up. You’re clearly not mature enough to take care of your kids. After all, you practically still are one!

9. Somebody gets hit in the crotch — Finish your drink
Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it. He got hit in his private parts. It’s so funny. I have never seen that joke before, and now I’m literally rolling on the ground laughing. ROFL IRL.

10. “Side effects include …” — 1 drink
We’re gonna talk really fast now, and we’d appreciate it if you don’t listen too closely. Here’s a montage of nature imagery to distract you. Look, mountains! A river. A forest. A crane is soaring through the sky. What did we just say? Nevermind, it’s not important.

11. Attempt at an emotional appeal falls flat  — 1 shot
Cue the saccharine music and pull out the tissues. We’re gonna throw the book at you: a dog that misses an owner, an old couple that’s been together for 50 years, a kid growing up too fast. Not crying yet? Here’s a baby learning how to say “Mama.”

12. I’m not sure what that commercial was for — 1 drink
Something about values. Something about family. Throw in a few other buzzwords, and we’re good to go.

Here’s to a good game and a good time. May your team win, as long as that team has Peyton Manning on it.